#1 Opened our initial conversation on PlentyofFish by asking for my detailed zombie apocalypse survival plan. I fell in love immediately. We’ve been married for almost 12 years now.
More info: Reddit Image source: anon, cottonbro studio
#2 A friend got the message “Wow. Your eyes could start a cult”.
Image source: pinkynarftroz, Noelle Otto
#3 After my girlfriend and I started dating, she showed me her dating profile so I could see how many messages she was getting. About 50-70 per day, most of them were just “hi”. A few were really creepy (“you look like my daughter/student/sister”), but one stood out to us and we laugh about it to this day.
Image source: Soulfighter56, adiprayogo liemena “you ever get f****d by a marine baby” No punctuation or question mark, so we asked ourselves “what, like a baby shark? Baby whale?” lol… In the end she had 1500 unread messages when she deactivated her account.
#4 As a man, I didn’t get any opening messages. Got some doozy responses. One that still haunts me is when I sent this woman a nice opening message, talking about some of the things in her profile we had in common and asking a few open ended questions to start a conversation.
Image source: TypeGreen51, Rosemary Ketchum Her response was: “With all the hot military guys in town, you need to put your aim lower.” Then she blocked me. I thought I already had low self esteem, but it took another hit that day. lol.
#5 Ah man. There were a few.
Image source: Shahfluffers, RUN 4 FFWPU “What is your credit score?” (literally their first line after I messaged a greeting) “Do you want children? I want to start having them in the next year.” (this is coming from someone in their late twenties) “I like it when people are mean to me. Can you f**k me up?” (that’s baggage I can’t handle even at the best of times) “CNC?” (translates to “Consentual Non-Consentual”… hard no for me) “You’re not my type. But my gay friend thinks you’d be a good ‘daddy.’ Can I give him your number?” (kinda flattering, I guess?) “My husband died last year and I am looking for someone to be a part of my family.” (she had 3 kids, all sub 10 years old) “You’re white. I only date black guys.” (so why’d you match with me???) The list goes on. Needless to say, I periodically rage-quit dating apps after a month or two of this.
#6 I once got an opening message that said something like “you might not be the prettiest girl on here, but beauty is only a light switch away.” This was over 10 years ago, and I bet that dude is still single.
Image source: Crystaltornado, Tara Winstead
#7 Matched with a woman. Her first message was, “I guess you’ll do.”.
Image source: Bigt**s38, Charlotte May
#8 I was on hinge for a while and saw someone had “can’t text/call/meet on weekends because I’m in jail.” I thought this was a joke. It was not. She was doing time on the weekend for assault.
Image source: Exobyter, RDNE Stock project
#9 “You want to be my first dark skin ;)?” Some gay dudes really have no shame.
Image source: Karakara16, nappy
#10 My ex got messaged by the Swiss Cheese Pervert on OK Cupid. He started out respectful enough but by the 3rd paragraph was talking about how he likes to [enjoy some alone time] with cheese. She told her friends but no one believed her (she blocked him so the messages disappeared) until he started [being a bit too intimate] with cheese in public, got caught and went viral.
Image source: negativeyoda, NastyaSensei
#11 My brother sent this girl a message on Hot or Not: “Do you like burittos?” They’ve been together for 17 years and married for 11 now.
Image source: Henry__Every, Pixabay
#12 “I want my wife to have your eyes.” I don’t think it was meant like that, but my first thought was that the dude wanted to cut out my eyeballs.
Image source: CurvyCarrots, Noelle Otto
#13 Whose dk do I have to suck to suck a dk around here.
Image source: Big-Carpenter7921, Maurício Mascaro
#14 “WHY DON’T YOU SKYDIVE INTO THIS P***Y!!!” and then immediately unmatching me when I was like, “Woah now…”.
Image source: Synamyn_Dyxon, Tom Fisk
#15 ‘Hi there! You look like Anne Frank’ ?.
Image source: Discotraxx1990, Photo Collection Anne Fra
#16 A girl once messaged me with something along the lines of “do you ever see a bunch of cheese and say damn, I want to eat that cheese. And by cheese I mean my p***y”. I couldn’t help myself and replied that I’m lactose intolerant.
Image source: Teazykatka, Engin Akyurt
#17 “Excuse me good sir, would you kindly like to hook up?” She was clearly wasted. 5 minutes later she unmatches. Apparently she didn’t like I wasn’t available immediately. This isn’t a f*****g Wendy’s.
Image source: FriendsForEternityLH, Andrea Piacquadio
#18 I am a sterile man and a woman messaged me first on Tinder with “It’s a shame you can’t have kids. I mean, what if we fall in love after we f**k and I want to have your babies and I can’t? I’m sorry, I don’t think this is going to work.” After I replied, she ignored it and unmatched a few days later. We were both looking for casual so extra weird.
Image source: Wishilikedhugs, Pixabay As a bonus, when I moved to a new area, I decided to use Bumble BFF to make friends. I didn’t realize that apparently gay dudes use it to low-key try to pick up straight men. The first message I got was a dude asking me if I would fart in his face with my cheeks spread open. I turned it off after.
#19 “You’re cute , hate dogs though” (I had very my cute dog in a photo).
Image source: DuffNinja, Helena Lopes
#20 I matched with a guy who taught at my old HS. I was in his homeroom class for 1 year, so we didn’t really talk much, but he gave me an entire essay confessing his love to me. He told me how he noticed me but never made the move, and was glad I finally reciprocated.
Image source: panfriedtomato, Andrea Piacquadio
#21 The weirdest first message I’ve received was “My hovercraft is full of eels”, and I can’t imagine what sort of conversation she expects if the person she sends the message to doesn’t happen to be a Monty Python fan (we’re getting old and rare here).
Image source: malsomnus, Jeffry Surianto
#22 I was the weird one. I’d start off commenting about something in the background of a pic. If I couldn’t think of something funny I’d just say “how do you feel about geese?” Most people have strong opinions.
Image source: SomeS**ttyBean, Pixabay
#23 Some gay dude offering me a free place to live if I st in a box and gave it to him every time I st. I was neither gay nor looking for a place to live and I didn’t bother to ask what the s**t was for.
Image source: BasicallyJustAnIdiot, Kim Stiver
#24 I was on Bumble, and got asked my Myers Briggs personality type. When I responded, she unmatched immediately. Gotta respect the hustle.
Image source: chromane, mikoto.raw Photographer
#25 My buddy got a self-esteem slaughterer of a response once. He asked her about the book series she mentioned in her profile. She replied, “Too far. Too fat.” And that was it. Killer.
Image source: ThingCalledLight, Pixabay
