#1 I don’t speak. I don’t play music. I don’t have the TV on. I sit, in complete silence, reading my phone or whatever, but not having to answer anybody’s questions, not having to listen to anybody. Just complete silence for at least 15 minutes.
Image source: gaqua, Karolina Kaboompics/pexels One time my wife took the kids out of town for the weekend with her sister. From Friday night when I got home from work until Monday morning when I went back, I didn’t speak a word. I just…existed. I watched shows, I played games, I drank some whiskey and smoked a cigar. I cleaned and did laundry. I didn’t speak. I didn’t have to answer anyone’s questions. Edit: this got way more hits than I was expecting. Honestly, it makes me feel good to know that there are other parents like me. I sometimes feel guilty about it but knowing there are thousands of people who do the same thing is helpful haha.
#2 I cook a package of bacon and save the drippings. I cook basically everything in that fat until it’s gone. Wife and daughter are vegetarian.
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#3 Sit in silence/nap. My wife knows when I need some down time and she takes the kids out for a few hours. She is amazing.
Image source: batmanlovespizza, KATRIN BOLOVTSOVA/pexels
#4 S**t with the door open and yell while doing it.
Image source: morganstern, RDNE Stock project/pexels
#5 Turn the ac down.
Image source: HALLOWEENYmeany, Towfiqu barbhuiya/pexels
#6 So not me but my dad thought my mom took all of us but I was actually home and he laid down and started talking to the dog and telling her how good she is and how she does such a good job protecting the house.
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#7 I sit and stare at the wall wondering when my entire reason for existing will return, and if they brought me chocolate.
Image source: RemySmith92, Dziana Hasanbekava/pexels
#8 FINALLY a chance to clean up without anyone in the way! Turn up the music and bust out the broom and mop and rags! 8D. Go outside for a smoke and get to it! 8D.
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#9 Do a bunch of chores and stuff while I daydream about what I’m going to do when I have free time. This lasts until they return.
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#10 It’s happened once. I got incredibly high, forgot to make myself dinner, and stayed up till 3am playing video games on a school night and crushed like 10 beers. So either that or panic and apologize.
Image source: commitpushdrink, Karolina Kaboompics/pexels
#11 A while ago I spent a week alone in my house while my wife and kids visited distant family. It was glorious.
Image source: howtodragyourtrainin, cottonbro studio/pexels I made the food I wanted to eat, every meal was excellent. I chose a movie I wanted to watch, nobody complained. I sat in silence, nobody drilled me with questions. I cleaned up after myself, nobody else was there to immediately undo my work. I got several home improvement projects done, working on them undisturbed for 4-5 hours at a time. I slept starfish-style in the bed, no fear of elbowing anyone. I could think for hours at a time, no interruptions. I made sure to tell my wife everything productive I had done when she called, and also how difficult the home improvement projects were, let alone my full time job. I wanted her to think she was the one on vacation, not me. After all, I was the one who was “just at home”. But the truth really was that I hadn’t experienced true peace and quiet for many years, and it brought me a wonderful joy.
#12 I sit in silence. No music, no mess, no having to please everyone. Just… Temporary peace.
Image source: rustler_incorporated, Evelyn Chong/pexels I want to emphasise that, as a hot blooded male with porn access at my fingertips, I fantasize about being alone in quiet darkness and this is more valuable to me than my biological urges. This is how exhausting raising a family is.
#13 Watch my TV shows and movies I can’t watch around them.
Image source: Asleep-Question-2299, cottonbro studio/pexels
#14 Usually housework. Funny enough, my wife and kids are usually fine with me playing video games, doing hobbies, or generally having time to myself, unless I’m doing housework.
Image source: woogychuck, cottonbro studio/pexels Dishes take 10 minutes when I’m home alone, they take 20+ minutes when I’m trying to juggle conversations and dodge people walking through the kitchen. I can do a load of dishes, a couple loads of laundry, vaccum the carpets, and do some basic picking up in less than an hour when I’m home alone. It’s a multi hour task when I’m not. If my wife leaves for 2 hours. I can get the whole house picked up and then goof off with the kids or on my own for the rest of the day without stressing over the house. It’s also a bonus that I can crank up whatever music I want with no complaints or fold laundry while watching garbage TV shows that my wife doesn’t like.
#15 Start a violent movie. Something the kids can’t watch and something she wouldn’t be interested in.
Image source: get_off_my_lawn_n0w, Karolina Kaboompics /pexels
#16 Idk but it’s not gonna involve pants.
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#17 I’m not trying to sound cheesy, but I tidy up because my wife works hard and has a pretty stressful job.
Image source: BigUseless88, MART PRODUCTION /pexels
#18 A few years ago I had started a new job. We were planning to go on vacation with the in-laws, but the new job kept me from being able to go… they went without me and left me home by myself for 10 days. Also, the job was remote so I was home alone for 10 days… You know what I did … don’t think I wore clothes the whole time they were gone….
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#19 Amplifier goes to 11.
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#20 Had this the other day. I ate 1.5g mushrooms and watched avatar while listening to a podcast doing a commentary on avatar.
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#21 Take five decorative pillows off the bed and put them in the closet til the morning of her return
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#22 Turn off the lights that were left on in every room and closet.
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#23 Nap.
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#24 Usually I go to bed and take a nap. I don’t like to be seen napping (I have a complex about being seen as lazy) and I like the chance to have the bed to myself.
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#25 This is more for when the wife went out of town for a couple of days…
Image source: DarthMech, cottonbro studio/pexels Back in my early 20s, I would immediately pull the mattress off the bed and drag it into the living room, drive to Hooters and grab a giant bucket of wings, then come home and sit on my living room bed eating wings while watching porn. Now, in my mid-40s, I fire up Farming Simulator and an audiobook.
